[Hemingway Corner] How We’d Improve an Email with a Proposal and Personalized Offer

Pop quiz time!

True or false?

A good cold email contains:

• A subject line that grabs your attention?
• A message that sounds like it’s written by a real person for a real person?
• Content that short, concise, and to the point (a la Hemingway)?
• Why you messaged and what the value is?
• A clear next step?

The answer?

True to all of the above.

In theory, this sounds simple and straightforward. But in reality, creating a good cold personalized email is challenging.

To help you see the good, the bad, and the spammy of cold emails, here’s a closer look at an actual email that landed in our inbox.

Cold email example

This is a real cold email we received in late April (we’ve redacted any identifying information and added placeholders in brackets when necessary):

Hi,

This is {Sender’s name} from {company}.com, a leading AI online video creation platform. I was doing a bit of research when I stumbled upon this page:{link visited}, in which you have offered multiple options to your readers.

In that regard, I just thought of sharing our AI video maker {company} with you that your readers might find useful. If it’s not so much of a bother, would you consider adding it in the post?

Key features:

• AI Text-to-Video, Blog-to-Video and Script-to-Video,
• AI Translator, Auto Subtitles and AI Text-to-Speech : 140+ Languages, 400+ Voices
• AI Image Generator: Transform Words into Stunning Image
• Speed Curve, Freeze Frame, Split Screen Video, Reverse Video, Chroma Key and 4k download.
• Team management: Enable users to view and edit all projects in the workspace
• Millions of Royalty-free Stock Media including photos, videos, and music
• 6000+ exquisitely designed video templates in diverse categories

You can try it at  {link}

You can see we are listed on the top 1 of the best video makers by {source}:{link}. I would be happy to offer you a Business account for your full use if you are interested.

Best regards,

{Sender’s name} | Marketing PR

The Good

Compared to some of our previous examples of a bad cold email, this one has its share of strengths:

• Personalization – The sender mentions the specific page they visited where they first encountered our brand. This shows they’ve done some research. More importantly, the blog post they indicate is relevant to the topic they’re discussing and not just a random article.
• Relevant custom offer – The sender includes an offer for a solution whose features align with the overall topic of the blog post. This approach to personalization increases the chance of converting the recipient to opening a new account.
• CTA – Even though it’s not a direct CTA like “book a demo”, the sender provides a clear next step to the recipient, which is to write back about the business account.
• Social proof – The sender includes a news article where they are featured as a top video creation solution. This can help establish credibility that the software is good at its purpose.

The Bad

Although the email has some solid pros, it also contains its fair share of cons like other outreach emails that we’ve covered in Hemingway Corner:

• Length – Nowadays, the best cold emails keep the message short and simple. This one is on the longer side, and most readers would probably disengage midway through reading the email. The long list of features could even overwhelm the reader.
• Visual appearance – Another issue with the feature list is the fact it has a different font size. The inconsistent spacing, punctuation, and bolding can also prove distracting to readers, and may cause the intent of the message to be lost.
• Lack of connection – While the solution is related to AI, it doesn’t clearly explain why it should be considered a top AI tool in business automation in sales. For example, although there is a feature list, the sender doesn’t communicate the value of these features for the realm of sales automation.
• Use of social proof – While including social proof is always a good thing, what’s weird about this use of social proof is that they claim they were “listed” as the “top 1”. Logically, a list of 1 company isn’t really a list. Alternatively, if it’s a typo and it was supposed to be “top 10”, then it suggests a lack of attention to detail.

The Spammy

Interestingly, the sender sent this email from what seems to be the company’s real domain. Given that this message can be considered a cold email, this is a very risky move.

If too many emails get blocked or marked as spam (which typically happens in cold outreach), it could not only tank your email deliverability, but also cause your domain and inbox to get blocked. You’ll then have to go through the process of restoring access to your account or trying to switch your software subscriptions to a new domain.

In other words, we recommend not sending cold emails from your primary business email. 

As for the “spammy” aspects of this sales proposal email, they include:

• Generic greeting – Most cold emails should try to include a person’s name, such as “Hi John,”. When cold emails start without the recipient’s name, it could indicate to spam filters that this is a mass email.
• Excessive links – The email contains several links to different websites. Having too many links in a single email is a common red flag for spam filters. Try to limit yourself to no more than two if possible (a link to your website and – if relevant – a link to where you encountered the brand).
• Font sizes – When font sizes are extreme (such as under size 8), spam filters are likely to go off. While the difference in font sizes here is minimal, there’s a chance it could set off the spam detector, especially in combination with the seemingly random formatting.

How to fix the email

While there are many different solutions to fixing the bad and spammy aspects of this proposal email, here is one possible approach:

Hi [Recipient’s name],

I came across your blog post on the top AI tools for business automation ({link}) and I thought you might like {company}. {Source} listed us as the {social proof} for helping businesses automate video creation.

You can check it out at {link}, and if you’re interested, how about we set up a call?

Best,

{Sender’s name}

See how AiSDR can run your outreach

Using a combo of lead data, a lead’s recent LinkedIn posts, and your HubSpot, AiSDR tailors every message so that it’s relevant and resonates for the recipient.

Armed with your social proof and client testimonials in hand, AiSDR will strive to have a meaningful conversation with prospects while answering questions and handling objections, all with the intent of getting a demo booked for you. 

Book a demo to see AiSDR craft personalized emails in seconds.